Keeping to the High Road

I believe social media is a wonderful construct for humanity. Despite the misuses to which it’s often put, the opportunities for social interaction are profound. Social media has been a particularly powerful value-add in my life. It allows me to stay connected to family and friends far and wide in a unique and direct way. It’s reunited me with friends from prior periods in my life, some as far back as grade school. Most important, social media (through Twitter especially) has provided me with a rich and loving community that I have searched for much of my adult life. I have met so many transgender friends and allies who have been generous, caring, and supportive.

Twitter is much like living in a tough neighborhood. Most people are either nice or inclined to leave other folks alone. But there are also plenty of thugs and bullies whose sole purpose, it seems, is to make other people miserable. From gaslighting to insults and from sneaky inuendo to outright threats, they have a talent for hurting even those individuals with thick skin and sturdy psyches. I’ve seen way too many friends and/or vulnerable people hounded off the platform.

When we’ve been a victim of such brutality, we typically have one of two reactions: fight or flight. Both are legitimate courses, but the challenge is in how we perform them. In most cases, flight is the easiest in that we simply block and report. Sometimes they will come back under another account to take another shot, but they can easily be blocked and reported again.

The tricky thing is knowing when and how to engage. I used the term “fight” above only with respect to the fight or flight instinct, but the appropriate term is engagement. In general, I will engage only if I feel there’s a reasonable chance that the antagonist a) in fact cares about the truth, and b) is capable of reasoned discourse. Both need to be in evidence before I’ll involve myself in a conversation; If not, then I block.

As a community, it’s critical that when we do engage that we remain civil and even-tempered. Why? Because far too many members of the gender-critical set have already demonstrated how easy it is to paint the transgender community as violent and dangerous wackos. The Witch of Killiechassie practically runs a cottage industry based on the threats to her safety that have been – putatively – leveled at her by us trans people, and just loves to trot out that “fact” whenever she talks to a politician on either side of the pond. If we engage, civility must be maintained at all costs not only for ourselves, but for the entire trans community.

More important is being as factual and scientific as possible. If one’s going to engage, one needs to have at one’s fingertips links to articles and videos by members of the medical community and other experts. We are up against individuals who firmly believe that their 9^th grade biology class qualifies them as experts in the field of gender. We are up against folks who fundamentally believe that if they themselves have never felt gender dysphoria that it cannot be a valid experience. It’s not for us to take a drubbing because of another person’s willful ignorance. If they’re unwilling to engage with sincerity, then stop and block.

Sincerity is the crux of the matter. Let me tell a story. I maintain a Facebook account for use with those in my life to whom I’m not out as trans. Nevertheless, I’m a staunch supporter of trans rights there. On one Trans Day of Awareness, I posted in solidarity. I had a couple of caring responses from friends and family. But one, from an acquaintance dating back to high school (let’s call him Scott), was a post in the form of a question. It was a typical passive-aggressive question about the “trans agenda.” Scott was an ass in high school, and he’s been honing that persona for fifty years. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, though, and engaged. He pushed back. My sister-in-law laid into him with a passionate and well-reasoned post. He pushed further. Then my son’s partner (gender fluid, very well-schooled in the issues, and writing a book on the topic) laid it out for him most elegantly. Cricket noises. I thanked everyone the next day for keeping the dialog open and adult. With my very next post in support of trans issues, Scott was back. Blocked.

Here’s the difficulty with folks like Scott. Far from sincerely seeking truth on topics about which they know little, they embrace their ingrained beliefs whether they are fact based or not and seek to justify those beliefs by attempting to illuminate the supposed folly or shortcomings of others. Winning is everything and they are not content unless they can show that they are top dog. Pro tip: Scotts bring their own fire hydrants to the conversation so reasonable, rational people can’t generally win them. Keeping to the high road is remembering this fact. Determine sincerity and then either engage with civility or block with impunity.

So far, my Twitter account has experienced very little drama. I’ve been lucky, but I’ve also been careful. After all, I have better things to do than inflict pain on myself.

How do you handle the Scotts in your life?