My beloved spouse and I have very different tastes in reading material both fiction and non-fiction. But every now and again, one of us will come across a book that we know will resonate for the other. Such was the case with “This Is How It Always Is.” A friend of ours loaned K the book and she enjoyed it thoroughly. She asked me if I wanted to read it before she gave it back. “It’s about a family with a transgender child,” she told me by way of review, “but it turns out okay.” With an ambiguous recommendation like that, I had to give it a shot.
“This Is How It Always Is,” by Laurie Frankel, tells the story of Penn and Rosie and their five children. Penn is a writer and Rosie is an ER doctor. Consequently, Penn is the stay-at-home parent who manages the household. This includes coordinating schedules, meals, laundry, homework, baths, and bedtime story time for their brood. The children are Roo (the eldest son), followed by Ben (the super smart second born), and then the twins Rigel and Orion. Finally, there is Claude, and Claude is the centerpiece of the story.
As with many of us, Claude is very young when they first articulate that they wish to be a girl when they grow up. In this story, they are three years old. Because this is a loving family, Claude is neither berated nor gaslighted. Instead, they are met with love and kindness despite their parents being thoroughly bewildered as many of us are when our children come out to us as transgender or non-binary. Over time, and with the help of Claude’s ever indulgent maternal grandmother Carmelo, Claude eases into being Poppy.
As mentioned above, Penn is a writer. As also mentioned above, one of his daily duties is to continue the bedtime story. There is only one story, and that is the ongoing saga of Grumwald, the prince who does not wish to be a prince. The saga began before Claude was born, but now takes on new meanings relevant to all five of the children. Princess Stephanie, in charge of the night fairies, joins the saga and as the novel develops, the internal weavings of Grumwald and Stephanie become entwined with the real life children.
While it’s clear that Penn and Rosie are equal partners in the marriage, it’s Rosie who makes some of the biggest decisions in the story. She is traumatized by losing an ER patient, a young trans woman who has been savagely beaten in a hate crime. Rosie realizes that Madison is not a safe place to raise a trans girl and goes searching for a safe city. She eventually decides on Seattle and uproots the entire family to re-settle there.
One additional character deserves notice and that is Mr. Tongo. The author describes him as “some kind of multi-degreed social-working therapist-magician.” Effervescently positive, Mr. Tongo helps guide Penn and Rosie through the minefield of raising a transgender child. “What an interesting child you’re raising – not that gender dysphoria, if that’s what this turns out to be, is caused by parenting, good or bad. But you must be doing a fine job if he’s come to you and said, ‘Mother, Dad, I must wear a dress,’ instead of hiding in shame – not that there’s anything to be ashamed of, you understand. And you’ve said yes to the dress, as they say, the dress and the heels and the pink bikini. What fun! I’m so pleased for you all!” Mr. Tongo appears several times throughout the story to help pull strings as needed, like a benevolent later-day Drosselmeyer riding a red exercise ball.
The book is not all sweetness and light. Frankel confronts many of the issues that transgender families encounter. There is the basic non-acceptance of transgender people, mostly by adults, in western society. There is the ever-present obsession with what bits someone has in one’s pants. She delves deeply into the matter of secrecy: should everyone be told that he/she is transgender or wait until it gets revealed and becomes a potential crisis? How do you frame the topic when other well-meaning parents and friends have questions?
One of the issues that the author does not address directly is the day-to-day nature of gender dysphoria and the mental health issues that often accompany it. It may be true that in a supportive environment those issues are less profound, but they exist, nevertheless. The novel concludes before Poppy enters (or would have entered) puberty, and this is when these issues are most severe. I know from experience that even in a loving home, depression and executive disfunction can be crippling.
The crisis in the book occurs as Poppy is beginning middle school. Somehow her secret has gotten out and she is humiliated at school. Most of her friends rally around her, but not all of them. Poppy is crushed. In the morning, Poppy is nowhere to be found. It is here that Frankel finally confronts dysphoria. Poppy has reverted to Claude, sullen, angry, and withdrawn.
I won’t give away details of how the story works out, but Rosie decides to go on sabbatical and volunteer in an overseas clinic for a few weeks, taking Claude with her. Together, they immerse themselves in a culture where, as it turns out, transgender people are accepted. As a local transgender woman confides to Rosie, “Many…here let be. Which parts not what matter. Is soul, how move, how dress, how love, how be.” I find that there is great truth here even if the details of the solution are a little too simplistic. But this revelation sets Claude on the road to healing and the restoration of Poppy.
While the story is made up, the author is coming from a place of knowledge. Like me and many of my friends, she is the parent of a transgender child and has traveled the pathways of bewilderment, confusion, and doubt herself. That she was able to tell this beautiful story is a testament to her parenting as well as her writing.
The characters are vivid and the writing sparkles. As my beloved spouse says, “It’s a darn fine read, and a screeching funny depiction of the trials and tribulations of raising children in general.” I find it to be loving and affirming, and a wonderful fictional companion to “Love Lives Here.” I hope you will have an opportunity to read and enjoy it too.
Do you have a favorite transgender book to share? How does this story align with your own personal experience?
Erica and Friends 